The “Busy” Trap

August 1, 2012

A few people sent this article to me over the past month and it certainly got me thinking.  Though the tone of the piece initially comes across as slightly harsh (the writer acknowledges that his role is to be  ”a bad influence” of sorts), where he ends up is quite profound and moving.

“The space and quiet that idleness provides is a necessary condition for standing back from life and seeing it whole, for making unexpected connections and waiting for the wild summer lightning strikes of inspiration — it is, paradoxically, necessary to getting any work done.”

First, I have to acknowledge that many people do not have luxury of embracing idleness or the privilege of a leisurely work schedule.  That being said, I think the article is getting at something different, and deeper, that has to do with the way we tend to run ourselves ragged.

The writer argues that our addiction to busyness is “a hedge against emptiness”. Busyness keeps at bay the existential questions of life’s meaning that can plague us.  I would add that busyness can also be a hedge against unworthiness.   It seems to me that, for most of us, the standard response to taking the day off, hanging out around the house, or not getting something “accomplished” is guilt. We tend to feel badly about ourselves if we are not functioning at 100% productivity.  Though many of us might daydream of the writer’s relaxed schedule (work in the morning, exercising/errands in the afternoons, evenings free for friends, movies and whatnot) I wonder how many of us would actually be able to embrace that?  Perhaps we would feel bored, but underneath the boredom would we feel embarrassed or even ashamed for not “doing” more?

Here is a link to the article.  Please feel free to share your thoughts!

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/30/the-busy-trap/


 

The Things That Get In The Way

May 30, 2012

“The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown, Ph.D, LMSW is one of my go-to books.  Ms. Brown is a shame researcher and the book combines both her professional research and personal journey.  Sassy, smart, and extremely accessible, she talks about how most of us feel we must “hustle for our worthiness”.  We try to push through, always driving for those impossible standards of perfection because we believe achieving them will (finally) make us worthy of love, acceptance, and belonging.  This hustle in fact takes us further away from ourselves and from living a joyful, connected, wholehearted life.

One of my favorite chapters in the books is called “The Things That Get In The Way”.  I reread this chapter recently as certain events made me think about how desperately most of us want that quick fix.  We want to be happy and successful (of course!) and we want a step-by-step plan of how to achieve it.  However, the truly ironic part is that we know the plan, the “how-to”, because we are inundated with information on “how to” lose weight, make more money, get a date, make a marriage work, (fill in the blank). And yet we continue to struggle, to feel unhappy and in pain.  Why?  Ms. Brown proposes, and I agree, that talking about what gets in the way of acting on what we know is best for us is a crucial, though overlooked, part of cultivating worthiness, joy, and connection.

“In Jungian circles, shame is often referred to as the swampland of the soul.  I’m not suggesting that we wade out into the swamp and set up camp.  I’ve done that and I can tell you that the swampland of the soul is an important place to visit , but you would not want to live there.

What I’m proposing is that we learn how to wade through it.  We need to see that standing on the shore and catastrophisizing about what could happen if we talked honestly about our fears is actually more painful than grabbing the hand of a trusted companion and crossing the swamp.  And most important, we need to learn why constantly  trying to maintain our footing on the shifting shore as we gaze across to the other side of the swamp -where our worthiness waits for us- is much harder work than trudging across.”

-Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

Here is a link to Ms. Brown’s website, where you can also buy her book.

http://www.brenebrown.com/


 

For Couples, New Source of Online Friction

April 26, 2012

Good food for thought article in The New York Times yesterday about the new kinds of boundaries couples must negotiate in the age of social media.  Especially interesting are the couples mentioned where one partner thinks a certain comment or post is harmless and the other feels hurt and exposed by it.  The article begs the questions: How much detail about your relationship is okay to share?  With whom is it okay to share such details with?  Do you and your partner have set boundaries/rules around telling others about your relationship?

You can read the article here


 

‘Sexual Intelligence’

April 4, 2012

Here is an interview from NPR with Bay Area sex therapist, Marty Klein.  Klein offers many salient insights in the interview, covering a range of topics including monogamy, maintaining desire in long-term relationships, sexual insecurities, and sex addiction.  It is worth a listen as it may offer couples different ways to think about sexual issues they might be having in their relationship and some ideas around how to address them.  Klein’s new book is called ‘Sexual Intelligence’ if you are interested in more of his work.

‘Sexual Intelligence’: Forum Interview with Marty Klein

http://www.kqed.org/a/forum/R201203291000


 

Relationships: Living Apart Together

March 7, 2012

While I feel slightly hesitant to post an article from a fashion magazine, this one stood out to me so I thought I would go for it.  The article is about long-term couples that chose to live separately instead of under the same roof.  The writer discusses this apparently not-so-new phenomenon and its increasing popularity.  I think this quote from the writer, describing her own experience, captures the essence of the piece:

[On living with her partner]“…My brain felt crowded, as if I couldn’t hear myself think; I longed to wake up in my own bed in the morning, with my own thoughts. And I wanted more mystery, too, more of a sense that we were separate people with our own lives and interests who were choosing to spend the evening together because we wanted to, not because we were too lazy to leave the house.”

The ideas we have about how relationships “should” look and function constrict and harm couples in many ways.  I wonder how the more traditional belief that long-term, committed couples must live together impacts relationships, both positively and negatively.  I also wonder how it might affect relationship survival rates if more couples included living separately within their repertoire of options.  Maintaining independence and a sense of identity not solely defined by being part of a couple is crucial for any healthy relationship.  I think the article discusses the issue of living separately as an extension of this tenet.

To read the article click here:

http://www.elle.com/Life-Love/Sex-Relationships/Divide-and-Conquer-Married-But-Separate

A professor of mine from graduate school, Judye Hess, is mentioned in the article.  To read her article about the topic click here:

http://www.ciis.edu/academics/faculty/judye_hess_bio/long-term_relationships.html


 

A New Perspective: Diet Messaging

January 24, 2012

Right before the New Year there was an article in The New York Times called “The Fat Trap”. Written by Tara Parker-Pope, a wellness columnist for the Times, the article focused on weight loss and, more specifically, those who have lost a significant amount of weight and gained it back. Pope interviews several people who have struggled with weight loss/weight gain cycles and gets into some of the science behind why people who lose weight on a diet tend to gain it back (and more) time and time again. One of the primary points she illuminates is that those who lose weight and keep it off must eat far fewer calories and exercise far more regularly on an ongoing basis than a person who maintains the same weight naturally.

Though Pope’s article may sound discouraging, from a psychological perspective I found it refreshing. Pope illuminates that maintaining long-term weight loss requires an immense amount of energy, focus, and sustained dedication, much more so than most of would think. This idea lies in stark contrast to the dominant messages in our culture that losing weight is easy, or, if nothing else, a question of simple willpower. The danger in that message is that when the diet “fails”, as 95% do, the dieter, not the diet, is the one left feeling like a failure. That means massive amount of people are left feeling ashamed, discouraged, and worthless… feelings that DO NOT lead to positive self-care and healthy choices. Pope’s article tells it like it is and, in doing so, encourages the reader to think about long-term health, sustainable change, and the self-acceptance essential to the process.

To read Tara Parker-Pope’s article go here:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/01/magazine/tara-parker-pope-fat-trap.html?pagewanted=all

To listen to her interview on NPR’s Talk of the Nation go here:
In ‘The Fat Trap,’ Our Bodies Work Against Us’


 

Creativity

January 23, 2012

I was watching some TED talks the other day and came across one Elizabeth Gilbert gave. Gilbert experienced immense success with her novel Eat Pray Love. In response to the pressure she felt in following up the book, she began to research the creative process.

Here’s the clip:
Elizabeth Gilbert on Genius

I think Gilbert’s talk is quite eloquent and several of her ideas stood out to me. One in particular was this idea about creativity being a sort of relationship between person and spirit. I liked when she talked about sitting down to write, showing up for her part of the deal as she puts it, and on some days the spirit is there and the sparks fly and on other days it isn’t. I think most of us have had the experience where the sparks aren’t flying and yet I would venture that many of us go into a tailspin of frustration, doubt, and self-criticism on those days. There is something relieving to me about the notion that it isn’t all on us to be brilliant, perfect, creative, and productive. That not only is not all on us but, in fact, we can’t do it alone because something else is at work. It isn’t solo operation. I suppose our responsibility then is to show up and remain open to whatever that “something” is.